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Professional Corner

I received this message during the week There are some very basic but important concepts dealt within this short composition. We all must work on our relationships with friends, family, and co-workers. It is what makes the world we live in work

-Julie Loe

Conflict

from Tim Connor, CSP
Sales and management speaker, trainer, author
800-222-9070

Every relationship sooner or later has conflict. Most relationships have some form of conflict on a regular or on-going basis. Conflict is not good or bad, positive or negative. It is neutral. It is an opportunity to build and strengthen or sabotage and destroy a relationship.

Whether you have been dating for 3 months or married for over 40 years I guarantee you have had a disagreement about something whether major or minor in the past few weeks. The ability to use conflict as a positive relationship tool tends to be one of the weaker skills of many people in relationships whether a marriage, with children, with employees or customers.

I will be the first to admit that the ability to push people's buttons is not an attractive trait. But, nonetheless many people seem to take delight in being able to bring to the surface someone's suppressed anger, guilt and regret.

Over the years I have come to see conflict as an excellent method for getting in touch NOT WITH; what is wrong with the other person (the assumption I make when I do this is they need to change or be fixed) BUT what is inside of me that I have not:
Recognized
Admitted
Successfully dealt with

The key issue here in my opinion regarding the positive or negative use of conflict in relationships is the degree of TRUST, ACCEPTANCE, and RESPECT (TAR) that is present. If you lack any of these, any conflict will sooner or later, erupt into a battle and one that may have its ultimate and final solution with the termination of the relationship.

Where TAR is present and used as a filter through which any and all disagreements are passed, you will be amazed at how the outcome will be more beneficial.

I have experienced a difficult divorce where the conflicts just grew more frequent and more heated as time passed. The issue, looking back, was not whether I took out the trash or was late for dinner, but what was the degree of TAR that was present in the relationship. Having said that TAR is not in a relationship any more than passion is in a relationship of fun in a job. These things are in people. So if TAR is not there it is because it isn’t in either or both of the parties. As a result I guarantee that sooner or later without it TAR your conflicts will be destructive. The key to effectively managing conflict is to ensure you continue to maintain and develop TAR in the relationship.

Relationship quote for the week:
"No one can hurt you without your consent."
Elanor Roosevelt

Have a great week. Tim

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Last modified: January 26, 2013